crispyonthemic

urdb:

In its wilder days, New York City’s East Village was home to the raucous dive bar CBGB, where a makeshift stage became the most holy ground of the American punk rock scene. Today, that same locale sells $200 jeans acid-washed in Deborah Harry nostalgia, but last night, just a few blocks away at Joe’s Pub, the anarchic spirit of Joey Ramone and Richard Hell engulfed World Record Appreciation Society #16.

The event started out on a freakish note as it was announced that thanks to a friendly horseback cop and a curious son, URDB co-founder Corey Henderson could go down at any minute with an acute equine allergy attack. (Thankfully, we didn’t have to put him down.) So the room was already on edge when Kelly Reeves of URLesque fame performed a bit of “redneck tap dancing,” setting the world record for “Most Clogging #1 Steps in 30 Seconds.” She hoofed it up like a Grand Ole Opry veteran, all the while wearing a delightfully Hee Haw-flavored dress from her days as an eighth-grader. Clog on, Kelly.

Next up, Nancy Mendelsohn combined her self-described “freakish flexibility” with the vox populi’s insatiable rage for all things World Cup in the footie favorite “Fastest Time To Put On A Full Face of Makeup While Balancing On A Soccer Ball.” On-the-go appliqué is a skill she mastered on the subway, so she got dolled up while being all balled up in just 26.6 seconds.

For one night, Cory Cavin channeled his inner-Bono, setting aside his love of frivolity (and egg nog)  to set a record with a deeper meaning. To perform the “Fastest Time to Produce a Socially-Relevant Documentary,” Cavin went to the audience to interview a man about the vitally important issue of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s controversial bill curtailing police wiretapping and limiting press coverage of criminal probes.

While the would-be Errol Morris edited his masterpiece, URDB queenpin Alex Young positioned herself offstage for the “Most Red Plastic Solo Cups Held Up Against A Wall Using A Person’s Body.” She stood inches from the wall, while her boyfriend Tom started squeezing the cups in.

While the cup pressing record got underway, Siobhan Gilbert came onstage and boldly announced, “I’m gonna’ do some swearing!” She proceeded to set the record for “Most Unique Non-English Curse Words Recited In 30 Seconds.” 

As URDB Grand Pooba Dan Rollman exclaimed, “These records are all over the place!” And that was before ToTs and Mix Master Mash brought their hip-hop patata patois to the mic for “Most Sexual Innuendos in a Potato-Themed Rap Song.” This wasn’t a one-night gimmick, either. This starchy duo only raps about all things potato on albums like “Au No You Didn’t.” Truth be told, ToTs spit the spuds so fast, this reporter couldn’t keep up, but an official parsing of the lyrics found 16 caloric come-ons. There were indeed fries with that shake.

ToTs explained that the night’s featured charity partner was St. Baldrick’s an organization that raises money to fight childhood cancer by getting people to shave their heads for charity, something the good folks at ToTs’ family pub in Syracuse partake in. All door proceeds from the night were donated to the cause. A masterful artwork from illustration legend Michael Arthur was also auctioned off (see above - he drew it live!), as well as a pair of VIP tickets to see a future taping of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. 

Todd Lamb showed off some of the 13 “Notes Left in Public Places in NYC by a Fictional Character” seeking people like a professional dead cat handler and/or a dirtbike motorcycle owner to ease his commute. See all of Todd’s, er, Chris’ hilarious notes here.

Cavin then debuted his hard-hitting documentary, which he described as “The Cove meets Fahrenheit 9/11 meets The Shining, but more terrifying because this is real life, but it has a lot of hope like The Shawshank Redemption.” Fitting, because like the Maysles Brothers at Altamont, this night was about to turn into utter chaos.

A packed house  joined  Kurt Braunohler in a the “Largest Group Meow Rendition of ‘Lean on Me’,” a version so beautiful that even Crazy Joe Clark would’ve put down his baseball bat. But the warm vibes were usurped by the strong smell of an illegal (at least in-a-pub) narcotic, nicotine! Illusionist Richie Magic set the puke-inducing, hopefully never broken, record for “Most Lit Cigarettes Extinguished With Tongue in One Minute.” The man crushed 60 butts on his tongue, turning it black as night and making Gene Simmons shtick look like child’s play. A reformed smoker, Richie says he does the dirty deed to show kids the effects of smoking, that they will look and smell like an ashtray. Asked why he would put himself through such a fiery ordeal, Richie replied, “Even though my mouth is burning right now, I always put the kids first.”

As the smoke cleared, Matt Reynolds broke the existing record for “Most The Big Lebowski Catchphrases in One Minute.” The erstwhile Dude busted out 31 quotes while wearing a stolen Polish bathrobe. Truth be told, though, he should have been sipping on a White Russian. It would’ve really tied the record together.

As if the night wasn’t crazy enough, filmmaker Jay Buim slammed it home by setting the record for  “Most Gallagher VHS Tapes Smashed At Once.” Bits of plastic flew into the audience as Buim destroyed the watermelon-crusher’s oeuvre in a half-loving tribute, half-angry takedown.

It was a fitting end to a night of mayhem. The fans ate it up. As Buim himself put it, “Nothing gold can be stopped. If it’s too raw for Joe’s Pub, than they just can’t handle the URDB.” Punk rock forever.

— Patrick Sauer